Reclaim Your Life by Breaking Free from People-Pleasing
I grew up in a home that celebrated differences. Food was the heart of our connection. My mother, a feminist and highly educated woman with a deep appreciation for spirituality, history, and culture, played a central role in these gatherings. Yet, she never questioned her role in the family.
Every weekend, she prepared lavish dishes served on gorgeous china with polished silverware. She refused help, often standing in the kitchen with her homemade carrot cake in hand. Years later, she admitted that she was raised to see food as her way of caring for the family. For her, being the family matriarch meant creating togetherness through these traditions.
Some might say she was a victim of societal expectations, shaped by the patriarchy, and unknowingly driven by people-pleasing. But the truth is, none of us are exempt from the pull of tradition.
Whether it’s a Monday morning Starbucks run, a weekly call to parents, or a Thanksgiving turkey dinner, these rituals can bring meaning and joy. But if they’re motivated by fear, competition, or the need for acceptance, they can become acts of people-pleasing rather than authentic connection.
What Is People-Pleasing?
At its core, people-pleasing is a pattern of putting others’ needs above your own to gain approval, avoid conflict, or feel valued. While this behavior can foster connection, it often comes at the expense of your own well-being.
When I work with clients, we often explore how their relationships with food, culture, and values shape their interactions. While these elements can enrich relationships, they can also create frustration when personal boundaries are unclear. People-pleasing doesn’t always look like saying “yes” to everything. Sometimes, it shows up as avoiding conflict, overcommitting, or feeling obligated to meet others’ expectations—even at your own expense.
Breaking Free from People-Pleasing
The solution to people-pleasing isn’t as simple as saying “no” more often. It starts with recalibrating how you show up in relationships and asking deeper questions about what truly matters to you.
I encourage my clients to pause and reflect with simple questions like, “Do I like what I’m doing?” This moment of self-awareness often reveals whether their actions align with their values or are rooted in obligation. Reframing the internal dialogue from, “What’s wrong with me?” to “What’s wrong with this situation?” can shift the entire context. This creates space for objectivity, new options, and a clearer path forward.
Slowing down is another essential step. Rushing through decisions often leads to automatic “yes” responses. By creating space to pause, you can make deliberate choices that feel authentic rather than reactive. This pause also allows you to reconnect with your own preferences—asking yourself, “What is pleasing to me?”
Therapy can also provide a supportive space to explore these patterns and understand why people-pleasing might feel so compelling. Reflecting on your boundaries, values, and decision-making processes can help you start prioritizing your own needs. Over time, you can learn to say “no” when necessary, without guilt, and build the self-confidence to align your actions with your true self.
Your Authenticity Is Your Power
Breaking free from people-pleasing doesn’t mean rejecting connection or tradition. It means choosing them with intention. When you slow down, reflect, and honor your own values, you’ll discover a sense of peace and clarity that people-pleasing can never offer.
Your authenticity will take you places where people-pleasing never will.