Dating a Narcissist in New York
We all want love. But with the constant changes in the dating landscape and the unknown path to meet someone special, it already feels like we’re on unsteady ground, where the rituals of romance no longer exist.
Once upon a time, two people met organically. But dating is not so natural anymore. More times than not, dating brings up dread.
There’s concerns about safety and ghosting after second-date sex. Has modern dating changed the nature of intimate connection? Is it possible that the dynamics between ying and yang have shifted? Despite all this evolution, most people do not find their soulmate online.
Who’s this new guy you’re dating in New York City?
You’re gaze into each other’s eyes. *He is funny and very attentive. He’s in touch with his feelings. This makes you feel at ease and hopeful in his presence. Finally, it seems, you’re excited. This one has promise.
Well, what if I were to tell you that your response is actually to the feelings he brings up in you rather than the feelings you have for him? I know. It’s a killjoy. I say this with confidence not because I’m a therapist, but because you don’t know him. None of your friends know him either. Or at least not yet.
You try not to get anxious and remind yourself to stay calm when your text goes unanswered for hours. You don’t make a big deal out of it. But pretty soon, no matter what you say or don’t say, there’s an argument.
The very qualities that once made you feel special are now used to hurt you. He invites you back to his place before your first date ends, but later it’s thrown back at you during an argument. He questions your behavior and blames you for hours. No matter how much you try to explain yourself, he dismisses you and puts you down. Unfortunately, manipulative behavior doesn’t get better, it only gets worse.
Dating someone whose behavior undermines you is not about love or connection. It’s about control.
It’s devastating to think that the person you love so deeply may not share the same feelings you do. It may be true. But it’s not your fault.
People who struggle with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) lack empathy and a coherent sense of self. While they might be able to mirror socially acceptable (even desirable) traits, they are not able to sustain it over the long run. They often perceive relationships to be transactional rather than transformative. When the “good guy” self-image is threatened, they resort to defensive outbursts and accuse others in order to deflect attention from their egregious behavior.
We live in a world that tolerates and even rewards behaviors that uphold popular patriarchal narratives. Love-bombing is a act to control the other. Sexual prowess is attitude to seduce the other. How many times are these behaviors applauded and even supported?
A person who genuinely wants to have a relationship with you wants to get to know you. He is more interested in building a connection. He intuitively follows your cues. Likewise, he responds to your needs and paces the relationship to grow over time without his interference.
Deep inside, he knows that being in alignment with his partner allows love to grow. This does not mean he agrees or complies with his partner all the time. It means he is aware of what will help and what will hurt his partner – what will hurt the relationship.
Unfortunately, New York is full of people who present themselves well but live a completely different private life. But real love does not confuse you. It does not leave you feeling small. Nor does it demand that you prove your worth to stay.
If these signs sound familiar, you are not alone. I want you to know that you deserve love that feels good to you.
I’ve specialized in treating narcissistic relationships, abuse, and toxic dynamics for years. I know the signs and behaviors. Most importantly, I know how to help you. It is possible to feel like yourself again. Reach out for a free consultation today.
* Disclaimer:
This article uses “he” and heterosexual examples, as they reflect what I see most often in my practice, but these dynamics can occur in any relationship, regardless of gender or orientation.