Dating a Narcissist in New York

We all want love. But with the ever-changing dating landscape and the unknown path to meeting someone special, it already feels like we’re on unsteady ground, where the rituals of romance no longer seem to exist. Once upon a time, two people met organically or through mutual friends. It provided a layer of protection that online dating does not.

When we think about dating, it no longer sounds dreamy. It is often filled with dread and fear. There are concerns about being ghosted. There is worry about post-second-date sex silence. Could it be that cultural changes have altered nature around mating? Have the dynamics of yin and yang (shiva and shakti) been impacted? In other words, we may have shifted away from the most natural thing that occurs between two people seeking a relationship to something that’s more transactional.

You’re gazing into each other’s eyes. *He is funny and so very attentive. You’ve never met someone so in touch with his feelings. This makes you feel at ease and hopeful in his presence. Finally, it seems, you have met someone who really turns you on.

What if I were to tell you that your response is actually to the feelings he brings up in you rather than the feelings you have for him? I know. That’s a killjoy. I say this confidently not because I’m a therapist, but because you don’t know him. None of your friends know him either. Or at least not yet.

You try not to get anxious and remind yourself to stay calm when your text goes unanswered for hours. You know deep inside something has changed. You try not to make a big deal out of it. But pretty soon, no matter what you say or do, there’s an argument. For a moment, you agree that he’s right, perhaps you are too needy.

The very qualities that once made you feel special are somehow turned against you. Although you accept his invitation back to his place before the first date ends, he turns that against you, accuses you of leading him on. He questions your behavior and attacks you for hours. No matter how much you try to explain yourself, he dismisses you.

Dating someone whose behavior undermines you is not about love or connection. It’s about control.

It’s devastating to think that the person you love so deeply may not share the same feelings you do. But it’s not your fault.

People who struggle with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) lack empathy and a coherent sense of self. While they might be able to mirror socially acceptable (even desirable) traits, they are not able to sustain it over the long run. They often perceive relationships to be transactional rather than transformative. When the “good guy” self-image is threatened, they resort to defensive outbursts and accuse others in order to deflect attention from their egregious behavior.

We live in a world that tolerates and even rewards behaviors that uphold the prevailing cultural narrative. It is sexy to make your date swoon; it signals power and control. It is hot to make your date feel desirable; it signals sexual prowess.

Yet none of these signals relationship. If you think about it, a person who genuinely wants to have a relationship with you wants to get to know you. He is more interested in building a connection. He is more interested in how the conversation unfolds. He intuitively follows the rhythm in nature. Likewise, he responds to your cues, attends to your needs, and paces the connection to evolve over time without his interference.

Deep inside, he knows that being in alignment with his partner allows love to grow. This does not mean he agrees or complies with his partner every time. It means he is aware of what will help and what will hurt his partner – what will hurt the relationship.

New York is full of people who present themselves well but live a different life in private. Here is the thing: real love does not confuse you. It does not leave you feeling small. It does not demand that you prove your worth to stay.

If these signs sound familiar, take a moment. I want you to know that you deserve love that feels good to you.

I’ve specialized in treating narcissistic relationships, abuse, and toxic dynamics for years. I know the signs and behaviors. Most importantly, I know how to help you. It is possible to feel like yourself again. Reach out for a free consultation today.

* Disclaimer:
This article uses heterosexual examples, as they reflect what I see most often in my practice, but these dynamics can occur in any relationship, regardless of gender or orientation.