With weary eyes, Jon (name changed for privacy) shook his head in disgust. He logged onto Talking Parents.com and waiting were seven long messages. His stomach turned in knots, “what entitled BS am I faced with this time?” he muttered to himself. Oh no, he said. She’s planned a fourteen day cruise with the children without getting my prior agreement. With a heavy sigh, he said, “If I say yes, she controls me. If I say no, the kids hate me.” Thoughts on Divorcing the Narcissistic Ex.
It’s a secret. No one will believe that you were once married to a personality disordered woman. Only you’ve known.
It’s not easy to identify a personality disordered ex—certainly—not so easy if she presents as a professional woman. She seems to have good intentions. She comes across as advocate for her children. She seeks activities which are child-centered and fun. She seems friendly and mingles with other mothers at school. She knows members in her place of worship. So, what’s wrong with this picture?
As her ex, you are left gasping for air. Behind closed doors, she’s a tyrant. She seeks to maintain control at all costs. She leverages the children in an attempt to poison your relationship. If you steer the wrong way, you will have to sift through a barrage of disparaging message on Talking Parents.com.
The narcissistic mother requires an endless supply of “feel good” to validate her frail ego. Often she will use you to to do one of two things: enable her look like the “good mother” and you, the “bad father” Or she will seek to maintain control over you. Divorcing the narcissistic (or borderline) ex require ingenuity and skill. There are three areas to consider.
- We all have pressure points. She knows yours. You may be longing for uninterrupted parenting time to create some special memories with your child or children. However, since the narcissistic ex doesn’t have the ability to see you as a full-fledged parent, she feels entitled to know what is happening for her children at any moment. She may interfere on your parenting time by calling and texting the children frequently to receive updates on your whereabouts or their activities.
- She is impervious to the word “NO.” The word “no” means maybe. If you have an inclination to be indecisive, she will challenge you into giving in.
- She believes her motherhood is privileged. Although women have been have given birth since the dawn of time, it makes no difference—her ability to give birth translates into having clout—lifetime access of you. This distorted thinking has its basis in grandiose thought process. It’s not possible to convince her out of this position.
If you are struggling with your ex , know you are not alone. Divorcing the narcissistic ex is no easy task. In order to get ahead, a deliberate strategic plan of action is required. Freeing yourself while preserving your relationship with your children is critical to moving on. This is why I began this website. It was help you shed old programming and offer practical knowledge on how to make better decisions after divorce. I offer strategic divorce counseling can help you move beyond your narcissistic ex.